Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   realized you can continue to vomit LONG after you thought you were done.

   born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eyes

   there's no I in TEAM but there's a ME in TEAM!!!

   Touching The Sun, Kissing The Rain and Tasting The Motherfu**in' Rainbow !!!

   don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   heard there was a party in your pants, but she is pretty sure she won't be coming

   trying to remember what we all used to do before facebook was invented

   Dating is for suckers who are spending a lot of money and aren't getting any.

   thinks our exit strategy for Iraq should involve "leaving" through Iran

   so... when does everybody think the sun will blow up?

   walking through the forest dressed as a deer

   wondering why people who work at Tim Hortons are SLOW? I mean come on are you that screwed up in which you actually have to ask someone if they "would like a tray" for those 5 coffees they ordered. Use your brain people!!!

   : BREAKING NEWS.... Scientist have discovered a cure for apathy, but no one seems to care.

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

   was a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting

   fairly certain the only reason that so many stupid and obnoxious people are still alive is that murder's illegal

   wonders if "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, does that make "I Do" the longest sentence?

   heard the Washington Bullets want to change their name to something not associated with crime. They're just gonna be called the Bullets.