Funny Status Messages

   no weed+no food=no sleep :/

   It's "Doppelbanger Week" on Facebook. Change your profile pic to naked pic of yourself and my partner will get back to you with an address.

   ATTENTION EVERYONE: I have an announcement to make. Santa just confirmed that I have been very good this year!

   I'm donating my body to science... fiction.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands...

   Will Smith is the new Rick James..WHAT THE FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE ?..SLAP !

   After watching the Oscars, I now get why cops do what they do.

   So what you're saying is there won't actually be a remake of GI Jane?

   I have a friebd that is both gay and lactose intolerant, I call him the non dairy queen

   Call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

   To everyone who wrote "Stay Cool" in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

   CNN+ didn't even last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

   If women had boobs on their back they would be more fun to dance with.

   Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

   You know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry? 58. Please don't delete me.

   We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

   I kicked my five-year old son out of the house because he didn't want to worship Trump. How dare he not want to worship the man who is greater than Jesus Christ. I have no son!!!

   If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.

   It is time to stop accepting the things we cannot change and start changing the things we cannot accept.

   I've made some terrible life choices over the years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions.