Funny Status Messages
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Guys you already got your pu$$y, so if your woman wants a cat, dont stand in her way. 
Ever feel like your being followed ...cause I've been seeing someone behind your back.
Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another beer.
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
My way of asking a girl I like out on a date is to say "Will you run away with me to have coffee?" that works like a charm.
Just finest remolding my bathroom and just want thank you all for all the selfies and great remolding idea's!
" Thanks to the white house staff. I now know what cause my Meorex stock to go up."
I call my pen*s 'caution' because when I throw caution to the wind at least it gets blown.
Clapping is just your right hand beating the sh*t out of your left hand to show that you appreciated something.
Did you hear of the women vision of Hooter ? it is called Rooster
Anyone thought how they might want to die? I want to die during a routine liposuction...
Brrrr it's cold in here....Need a fire PIT...Would you be my fire pit??....I got wood!!!
ok, instead of ...... to indicate a pause, i'll just put "oh, look a squirrel"!
F*ck daylight savings man! We're in the phase where there is no excuse for being late today.
They say not to go grocery shopping when you are hungry. Not good to go pinteresting when you are hungry either.
Love is that gun we all use to commit suicide.
Valentines Day - nobody shares a dam chocolate in the entired year and now you have to shove a hole box in a day - hypocrecy made chocolate
Valentines claims another victim as the blade runner shots gf - twice, just because he couldnt beat last years gift...personally I think he has no leg to stand on!!...
Pistorius's lawyer has told , plead guilty as he has not got a leg to stand on . !!
i broke 2 mirrors in the same day, so i'm going to assume it's good luck because two negatives make a positive, right? 