Funny Status Messages
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Bought a shirt with three wolves on it. Agressively seeking high fives from strangers. 
Good thing Tesco doesn't serve hot dogs.
we need to get swag on mythbusters to see if it will pay the bills
coyote ugly does not begin to describe what happened to me last night. The people I do for a Klondike Bar
Whatever you do, please don't take off your...AHHHH!!! I asked you to not take off your makeup!
I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
If you step out of the car & behave like a complete 2year old then you better have a bumper sticker reading 'Baby on Wheels!!'
watching the movie, "The Hostage" Never saw it, But you can't go wrong with some Bruce Willis --You just can't....
I'm ok with you liking cats as long as you're ok with me hating you.
Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Oh certainly! That could well explain thousand innocent lives taken by U̶S̶..North Korea
If at first you don't succeed, then you ain't me mot her fu cker.
"North Korea... I promise you boo boo, we will smack the sh*t out you" - Kevin Hart voice
A New York animal shelter is seeking donations of Viagra to treat a pit bull. I'm thinking that this is going to be one of the most frightning animals on the planet.
wants you to tell your feet to stop running you through my mind
Anybody can be a mother...and too many have no kids...and aren't women...so I wish you a Happy Mommy's Day!
blames Al and Tippers divorce on all of those hung Chads...
found an alien, gave it some roofies, now I'm gonna probe it then stick back where I found it! Maybe it'll tell stories of being abducted!
That moment when your smoking and the smoke gets in your eyes and makes then water : /
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter? 