Funny Status Messages

   Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…...sh*t she’s coming. To be continued.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He's been divorced 3 times... Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Welcome to middle age. Only one nostril works

   What happened to the funny posts ?

   Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor? Everyone…

   Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leaks...

   Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

   Matt Gaetz says "I'm there, before the hair".

   Yeah, so while you were perfecting your grammar in 12th grade English class, I was doing the teacher. I got the A.

   that whenever a bird craps on my windshield, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I am capable of.

   ♫So I'm shaving all my love.....Yeah I'm shaving all my lovin'...Yes I'm shaving all my love for you ♫

   Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

   "Knock knock", "who's there?", "Weekend", "Weekend who?", "We can wish it was the weekend, but its MOnday!"

   This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

   If two people love each other nothing is impossible. Except deciding where to eat.

   Top Tip: If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   I hope you had a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

   T- ake you to a place where true R- esonance is all you can feel A-nd hear, while N-egating that stress that C- aptures you, me ...and E- veryone

   I had a blind date tonight. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.