Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You can take my car! Just don't take my gas! - Me, to a carjacker.

   Taco Bell is the only place where you can still get gas for $1.39.

   How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

   I checked with Kelly Blue Book to see how much my car was worth. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty.

   I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

   The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

   Things that interrupt sex: 20s: drunk roommate walks in on you 30s: kids walk in on you 40s: spouse walks in on you 50s: foot cramp

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start

   Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol.

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. -if Lassie had been a cat

   I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way??

   You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands...

   I'm gone to tell my little brother, that he should also pay a visit this weblog on regular basis to take updated from most recent gossip.|

   Teachers: Want to motivate your students? When you give them back a failed test, staple a Burger King application to it.

   I went into business with my parents and siblings. Our tagine is "Dysfunctional Family Owned and Operated."

   My car was on E I put $20 in it now it's on E+

   I'm so sick of hearing about how high gas prices are, think of something else to cry & make a meme of.

   "Taco Bell is still open. I just ate lunch there." - Vladimir B. Putin

   Don't ask me how to change your clock. My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983.