Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are yall gonna watch Biden and the state of delusion address

   I don't care how obese Trump is, I want his mushroom deep inside me.

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   Pfizer Claims Its Covid Vaccine Effective Against Nuclear Reaction Too.

   This ashes to ashes dust to dust thing is why I always carry around a can of Lemon Fresh Pledge with me.

   *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don’t think flipping the bird means what you think it means.

   I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

   I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

   Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

   I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: “You’re 24 James

   Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   I find it quite humorous how many Trump humpers watched the State of the Union.

   I told my wife when I said I liked it rough I didn't mean my whole life.

   It's time we stop using the term "Conspiracy Theory" and replace it with "Spoiler Alert."

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.

   Never make snow angels in a dog park.

   I called my doctor's office and told them I had diarrhea. They put me on hold.

   Until my orange messiah says he doesn't like Putin anymore, me and my people will continue to love him and his actions.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash

   An old woman at the gym told me I looked like her late husband..... I'm hoping She meant while he was alive.