Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would say that Will Smith hits like a girl, but then I am not a biologist.

   Bucket List #82: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   I can relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

   It is sad that jokes about Brandon are about the only witty things some people ever say. Even then, it isn't even that witty since they apply to both of the latest presidents.

   Once I see friends walking around with virtual glasses on in a Meta world I'll be swallowing the blue pill.

   Did you know Adam & Eve had the 1st computer? ...it was an Apple with 1 byte

   Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

   I didn't hit you... I high fived your face

   The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

   The IRS started the post ya kids challenge so they can verify y’all dependents 🥴‼️

   If free speech is such a great thing, then why did God tell us "thou shall not lie"?

   If April showers bring may flowers. What does mayflowers bring? Pilgrims

   Chris Hansen walks out at the end of Willy Wonka and starts asking questions about luring children with candy.

   I thought cross fit was a way to get abs like Jesus.

   You know you should be proud of yourself when the biggest accomplishment you ever made was spreading your legs for your sugar daddy.

   america just had a big brain fart. oups it's america they just have farts no brain!!

   Happy VD to all you young lovers out there,,,!!!💜

   Just cut myself shaving in the shower. Lost at least 2 pints of Tequila.

   Lonely, Sober and Miserable sound like the same sh*t to me.

   Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...