Funny Status Messages

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poi

   Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!

   Dating was never my strong point because I've always been really good at getting laid.

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   I'm an experienced drunk texter/facebooker. I keep my mouth shut

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."

   You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....

   thats what I like the most about you..the way you constantly enter and exit my life..

   For the ladies who have walking naked the whole year, tomorrow is your last day to get some decent clothes.

   Look dude, take back what you said about Dragonball Z so I don't have to go Super Saiyan on your ass.

   I watched 5 minutes of baseball earlier. As soon as I realized it wasn't Bull Durham, I changed channels.

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya

   Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

   if the brown delivery truck is UPS,why doesnt FEDEX change their name to DOWNS since they are their opposing company?

   [ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   Dod you know, Clinton's yoga emails are code for how she got Nickelback's ancestors together on the Titanic lifeboat.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.