Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the other night, I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man. I said, "Get off me you two!"

   Baldly going where no man has gone before…

   if you ever feel upset and depressed, just remember, you were once the fastest, most victorious sperm in the bunch.

   **Warning** It turns out Farmville is a virus that will eat your life away. Side effects are all your friends hate you because of your tacky updates & you're getting fatter from sitting online all day playing. Delete it ASAP and stop being a Tool.

   ever notice how Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

   always keep your words soft and sweet... just in case you have to eat them..

   You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

   Bear Grylls would eat that

   Some Harvard guy said that acid would open our minds, pot wouldn't hurt us, and cocaine was benign.

   The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

   Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

   My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   I flirt with you it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me

   playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.~

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

   I'm goin to a pretty place now where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so....

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!