Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cant make it into work because I overslept because I didn't set my alarm because I knew I would like going to work.

   Just heard a milli vanilli on the radio and I'm not afraid to say that I liked their music! or whoevers music it was they were lip sinking that is to say.

   That moment, when your jerk boss says they are resigning. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Each and every time I hear someone say "Each and every..." I think, "How superfluous".

   I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

   If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

   *me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs

   Have a (cough cough) happy(cough cough) 420 (cough cough) everone

   Score steam: The steam on a lucky teenage boy's car windows

   It's so hot that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   Men.... Try role reversal in bed with your wife. And you have the headache for once.

   "Read a weather book about rainbows called Rainbows by Sunny Showers."

   Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest

   What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?

   I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

   “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

   To make you feel better if you're single this Valentine's Day just remember, Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with a club.

   Selling homing pigeons is a lucrative, and well return business.

   Happy singles awareness day everyone!