Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Question, If I sued someone for making me deaf, would a court grant me my hearing?

   The real power of a man… Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

   Stop with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

   Enough with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   A School held a contest for 6th grade kids. the theme of the contest was, 'The Nicest Thing My Father Did For Me'.... The Winning kid said, "not wearing a condom...

   Tip of the Day: Get your Drivers License picture taken when you're drunk, that way when you get pulled over and you're actually drunk, the cop will look at your picture and think you look normal.

   Democracy is when 2 wolves and a sheep meet to decide who is for dinner. Liberty is when the sheep has a gun.

   I wish I had the confidence of someone who puts the ziplock bag of food back in the fridge without distinctly hearing the clicks of the zipper

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole in my air guitar

   Happy Father's Day to all ads.... Except to those who can't drive a manual. Happy Mother's Day!

   Amazon, quit fluctuating your prices all the time. sincerely- your customer!

   This can't be the same 92° I used to run around outside in as a kid.

   Every time my woman sends me to the grocery store to pick up a cucumber, I always buy a jar of Vaseline, so people don't think I'm a vegan .

   Between Gaay Pride and Juneteenth, I say we eliminate this month altogether.

   They should make a Morning After pill for people who eat an entire large pizza the night before.

   My adopted highway called the Department of Transportation to find his real father.

   Honey is one of my favorite kind of animal vomit to eat.

   Father’s Day just keeps getting bigger every year, thanks to DNA testing.

   Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.