Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

   I'm not saying my girlfriend is thick, but we had a gas leak and she put a bucket under it.....

   I far too sleep deprived, my hemorrhoids are flaring up, my farts smell minty, and these Mentos taste like glycerin. What's going on?

   Just passed up an invite from the USA hockey team, to bring the gold in 2014. After checking my calendar, I have a hair cut appointment that conflicts.....Dammit!

   when I die at my funeral I want to be dressed like I was when I was born , butt naked !!! open bar for the lads , open coffin for the ladies !!

   Selling his soul for a bag of skittles.

   Looks good on the dance floor, dancing to electro pop like a robot from 1984

   now that the Winter Olympics are over, the rest of the world can go back to forgetting that Canada even exists...like Luxembourg. Remember them either? Nope.

   I want a search engine that will tell me where my keys are.

   ...just got back from embarrassing himself in front of the Queen. She really doesn't have any idea what a "tea bag" is, and now I'm not allowed withing 1,000 meters of her...

   Canada sure has some "NICE BEAVER"

   you know, i've only ever been wrong once in my life, and that's when I thought I was wrong but was actually right.

   wants to find a woman but then has a beer and a nap and it makes everything right again

   heard Chile got hit by an earthquake. I had some chili the other day that hit me pretty hard, probably not an 8.8, but it was close.

   wonders what Pat Robertson will blame the Chile earthquake on.

   Happy 11 White History Months

   been trying to learn how to do the moonwalk. It isn't going very well, I feel all I'm doing is going backwards.

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room ful of rocking chairs.

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.