Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

   It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

   This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

   If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

   Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

   Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

   My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

   Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom. Me: Take the car next time!

   Whiskey is not the answer. Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.

   I'm worried about my friend, he can't stop buying cars... I think he has car owner virus.

   Oh no! They blacklisted Pepe Le'Pew. Now where am I gonna get my "moves"?

   Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not one of them.

   Joe Biden just came by for a visit. It's funny because by the time he leaves, the toilet's never flushed and the cat's always pregnant.

   If gas prices continue to rise, I'll have no choice but to purchase a windmill to power it.

   46 is coming for our 401(k)s. His plan removes the tax free status of contributions, so they'll tax our income going in, and tax our retirement money again when we take it out. Double taxation. Thanks to everyone that voted for this PUTZ.

   Bike Week: A bunch of lowlifes in need of a bath, riding around drunk, causing traffic jams, clogging up restaurants for no apparent reason other than to drive local residents up the wall with loud noise.

   By def: ALL 'culture' is stereotype. Ok maybe the old cultures are monotype, WTH?