Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never compliment a woman on her mustache, No matter How epic it is .

   I here by proclaim that I identify as a person of color.

   If the CPA's are ok with your tax return, and the IRS is ok with your tax return, why is it so important for the LameStreamMedia to see your tax return? #WitchHunt #FakeNews #Haters

   The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

   I remember when Joe Biden told someone to shut up on national TV. Then Joe took that guy's job, his house and his Twitter account. That was awesome.

   Called my mom to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.

   During the deposition, Don Jr decided to plead the Fifth, mainly because that's as high as he can count.

   This is the only post not stolen from funny tweeter

   Put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately started showing pop up ads for duty free liquor.

   My dry lips are burning. How can I let you know more beautifully that I am asking for the loving touch of your lips .. !!

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately broke into pieces and crashed on the floor.

   I'm afraid to laugh. Because those who came in laughing made me cry the most!

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night. ... He was too far out, man.

   I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

   My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that I could uncover with a group of misfits

   Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet* Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

   I get so confused when I see a seagull not near the sea like buddy where do you think you’re going

   Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly squats

   Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.