Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

   [invention of the milkshake] drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

   Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest

   Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

   My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

   you wanna get into my pants, feel free. They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.

   it a bad thing when your only form of social interaction is when the dryer buzzer goes off? Asking for a friend..

   I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

   Just ate at a new combination pizzeria/Buddhist temple. Their motto: Give Pizza Chants.

   What's so appealing about the confederate flag? I just don't get it.

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

   Marriage tip #6: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.

   Marriage tip #7: The first thing you ask your wife when she comes to the door from work is what she going to make for dinner? She will appreciate it because you are putting your family's needs first above your own.

   i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

   Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

   A cross pollinator is a worker bee who asked the queen out on a date, but was told she only liked him as a friend.

   People aren't too smart these days. If someone is fighting so hard to keep their tax returns a secret, that means that person has nothing to hide!

   Why are there no professional ball scratchers? On behalf of men everywhere, let me say this... they'd make a fortune.