Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

   Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”

   There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter

   for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been Batman.

   Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them

   we would like some pollen

   I must express appreciation to you just for rescuing me from this challenge. As a result of searching throughout the search engines and seeing advice that were not helpful, I believed my life was well over. Existing minus the approaches to the problems y

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   Biden says he doesn't want to talk about his predecessor. I know exactly how he feels.

   Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

   Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

   Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

   100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

   Kit Kat is coming out with a vegan version of their bar and I imagine their theme song will be Break me off a piece of that veggie based bar.

   My middle school teacher who yelled that “Wikipedia wasn’t a reliable source” every day is sharing vaccine conspiracy theories on Facebook.

   The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off

   Don't celebrate Rush Limbaugh's death. Mourn his life.

   I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.