Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It snowed in Texas for the first time ever. That's cold.

   What's with all the hearts on Facebook?

   Don't worry Texans, the snow will disappear like magic in April.

   Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!

   If free speech is such a great thing, then why did God tell us "thou shall not lie"?

   If women aren’t meant to cook then why do they have milk and eggs inside their bodies

   murder is just a late abortion

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here Me: This is a service burrito

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

   I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

   I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.

   Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.