Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

   Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

   I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.

   If you're alone on Valentine's day to feel better just remember how for the love of a woman St. Valentine was in imprisoned then beat to death with clubs!

   I like that repubIicons are miserable now that ByeDon is thier president.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses

   How come ya’ll listen to a groundhog but not the CDC

   Well I guess if Headboard Harris can listen to rap music before it's recorded then Loco Cortez can be traumatized by a riot before it happens.

   If I ever get to a point where I strongly believe that bankers are starting wildfires with a laser from space, please shoot me!

   To all my secret admirers. With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you'd like some candy and flowers it's too expensive for you to reveal yourself now, but maybe next year!

   Betty white to preform at next year at 2022 Superbowl ...

   A clean house and finish projects is the sign of someone who hasn't looked at Facebook in a while.

   Sears just called,My Back ordered Leather jacket with tassels is finally in.

   I know I won't be out socializing for the Super Bowl. But not because I'm afraid of catching the Coronavirus, I just don't like sports.

   Marriage tip #3: When you have to run some errands and your wife doesn't want to go with you, just grab yourself some Dunkin Donuts, don't get her any. When she asks why you didn't grab her anything, just say, "If you truly loved me, you would have gone w

   Marriage tip #4: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   Marriage tip #5: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!