Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.'

   You can't spell "culture" without "cult".

   How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a pinky monkey named Spunky ran into the forest and chucked all the wood before the woodchuck could?

   Don't run from a sniper. You'll only die tired.

   going to church does not make you religious anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger

   refuses to spring forward....If I am not there in an hour, then you come looking for me.

   Thinks the person who came up with the phrase "some assembly required" never tried to assemble anything!

   so for you Toyota drivers.... if you get pulled over for speeding all you have to say to the officer.... Have you watched the news lately?

     Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!!!

   Daylight savings time will give me an excuse for showing up for work 10 minutes late!

   Who are you calling a coodie queen, you lint licker?

   I honestly believe if there was a fan page or group in favor of dog poop mixed with rotten fish eggs being thrown at the elderly, people would join, if for no other reason but to click something.

   I know when I'm cranky, because everyone around me starts acting like idiots.

   An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

   goin on the springer show and earning her beads

   The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.

   honestly think Kentucky can beat a NBA team

   Man who walks through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

   God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made MOTHERS! :)

   So it's mothers day and I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in Vancouver.