Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult

   eating his cocoa puffs and when I am done I will drink the chocolate milk!!! yeah that's right that's how I roll!

   It may look like i'm doing nothing but at the cellular level i'm actually quite busy.

   Why do we always have to lose an hour on the weekend to make it shorter? Why cant Spring forward happen on a Friday afternoon so we can leave work earlier for happy hour?

   do some people have common sense!We are classmates then you send me a request to be your fan!not even friend,FAN!stupid twat!Go jump off a cliff!

   its so cold outside I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

   I like my women like I like my coffee...tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes behind a donkey.

   'I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.'

   You can't spell "culture" without "cult".

   How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a pinky monkey named Spunky ran into the forest and chucked all the wood before the woodchuck could?

   Don't run from a sniper. You'll only die tired.

   going to church does not make you religious anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger

   refuses to spring forward....If I am not there in an hour, then you come looking for me.

   Thinks the person who came up with the phrase "some assembly required" never tried to assemble anything!

   so for you Toyota drivers.... if you get pulled over for speeding all you have to say to the officer.... Have you watched the news lately?

     Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!!!

   Daylight savings time will give me an excuse for showing up for work 10 minutes late!

   Who are you calling a coodie queen, you lint licker?

   I honestly believe if there was a fan page or group in favor of dog poop mixed with rotten fish eggs being thrown at the elderly, people would join, if for no other reason but to click something.

   I know when I'm cranky, because everyone around me starts acting like idiots.