Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While we're on the subject. I am going to see a transgender male female stripper tonight. I'm confused now. . .

   There is a new singing comedian sex offender ... His name is Bing Cosby

   .... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   I remember years ago my wife would undress and her torso would look like the hottest thing ever. Nowadays when she undresses, her torso looks like Homer Simpson.

   Pay attention, 007,,, This might look's like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   In Yugoslavia. In Yugoslavia, you never starve.. Great stones song man ...

   RIP Gene Wilder, everyone loved Willy Wonka, the only movie most people think you ever did....

   It took a lot of Native Americans to convince the government that water is Good for everyone But the government still wants to wipe them out.

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.

   What to exercise today? Spots hottie in shorts. Gets on random machine nearby. Carefully follows her around gym.

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   If anybody seen me out last night, it wasn't me...I've been hacked!

   My friend has been dieting for a month now, so far he lost 30 days..

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   Google "African awareness dance for corona" and don't spread rumors.

   not even a virus outbreak can help yall come up with good stuff