Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

   When I was a kid, people often said that I was the "little engine that could." Turns out that I'm the "big old caboose that couldn't."

   Awwe darn it ...... I thought the election was today!

   If you paid to watch the Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar WWE fight ... GET A REFUND !

   I must be emotionally impotent, I haven't given a f**k in months

   So where did all those sapiosexuals disappear to ? Or was it a phase ?

   Apparently my snoring is louder than my cars sound system .

   I'm going to an all white New Year's Eve party and I have nothing to wear

   The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway

   I come from a long line of men who will happily answer to a name that is not their own, which may or may not sound vaguely similar to it.

   I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."

   If you're a man and you post pics of nothing but cute little kittens on your Facebook timeline, effective immediately according to section 19 article 3 'YOU MUST turn in your MAN card!'.

   Therapy In 4 Words: Great bourbon, fluffy kittens.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   How's my day going? I just watched a fastest fish fillet competition video and had a rooting interest for one of the participants.

   Love to use the Ouija board to pester my dead girlfriends.

   Romantic comedies have ruined women's expectations. Every time I go on a first date she thinks my best friend is LeBron James.

   Trying to decide between Best Pumbling Service and Superior Plumbing Service. Which do you think is better?

   Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker |♠|♣|♥|♦|

   You know when a friend says they just don't know why they are single? And they are wearing Dansko clogs. Like they belong in a tree making cookies for Keebler? Life lesson 219....