Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   realizes he is too apologetic sometimes. Sorry.

   Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot? 50 Mexicans died

   One of the big differences between American English and British English is that americans tend to drop the letter "U" from certain words, like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts.

   taking a mental vacation...my body is here but my mind is gone somewhere tropical with lots of water sunshine and a cold drink

   Quick tip, when doing a print screen of Stalker Check for your facebook pictures, don't leave porn in in your Internet tabs...

   Earlier today I saw the facebook group "Kids vs Cancer". It turns out writing "My money is on cancer everytime" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

   as pissed off as a midget with a yo yo

   Stuffed animals - cute & cuddly to girls, punching bags to guys.

   f car insurance companies aren't going to give us our money back after each accident-free year, at the very least they should send us a freakin "Thank-You" card or something. Bunch of ungrateful pricks

   Women are amazing--they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

   "Hi, I have a liberal arts degree. Would you like fries with that?"

   never knew Un Dos Tres were count of men. today ricky martin, tmrw jonas brothers!

   I'm a "person of interest"? Well,thank you very much, Officer.

   a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.

   a little nervous today....i am having plastic surgery...gottta cut my credit cards up..and its gonna hurrrt ♥ ♥ thoughts and prayers please!!! :)

   dont trust anything that can bleed for five days and doesnt die...just sayin

   I hate when girls photoshop their pictures so much that black girls are actually white!

   Thinking to myself """"( why am I with her?....... O yeah, its the sex..."""")

   Has just realised something; all my role models, idols and people I look upto were all on drugs! :p