Funny Status Messages

   I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

   I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

   Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

   The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   *sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard* *buys all the lottery tickets*

   *Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house* CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks? GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

   I'm boycotting the next Nobel Prize award ceremony. Trump so deserved the award, but didn't win.

   *first date* Yep. I like all the things. *fourth date* And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

   As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”

   I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.

   No good deed goes unposted on social media.

   Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   So I've been on a new diet I really seem to be working for me that's called "The cost of food"

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.