Funny Status Messages

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

   Coronavirus Deaths: 216,000 Medical Malpractice Deaths: 400,000 You're safer getting Covid than going to the doctor.

   My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.

   6 year old: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that? 6 year old: Chick-fil-A

   interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person

   Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   I found out that Rudy Giuliani was married to his cousin for 14 years. It all makes sense now.

   therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

   I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

   Kamala Harris looked like a smug litigant on Judge Judy being sued by her landlord for not paying rent; claiming it was a gift.

   food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction ~Elena Gabrielle

   The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.

   Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

   Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you! Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

   This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

   Pencer must have done a great job last night. cause that's all the dumasscrats could talk about this morning on the lib news.

   WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde