Funny Status Messages

   Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?

   I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

   It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.

   Somehow, I don't know how, Obama gave Trump covid-19!

   There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

   If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

   I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

   It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

   If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

   I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

   the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.

   Maybe, if they didn't take the test, they wouldn't even have it.

   Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal.