Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   no easter bunnies were harmed in the making of this status

   Tip for the day: Don't throw manure into the wind.

   If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America!

   Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   you may bang hundreds of girls,but your heart belongs to one girl only....so keep banging till you find her.

   Who Cares about the Twilight Sparkly Drama...Give me the "Underworld" Hot Vampire on Lycan Action anyday!!!

   - So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....

   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

   "There is always the one girl out there that got away. Guys have that ... and serial killers have that."

   Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

   The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   looking for a cute little bunny with a nice set of eggs

   volunteering at the nursing home today, she's hiding false teeth instead of Easter eggs for the Easter hunt.

   If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman - or a new car. ....

   Who says women don't like simple, cheap things..we like guys don't we?