Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why I can put my "two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts." I suspect I might be getting ripped off...

   Doctors say drinking 8 glasses of water a day keeps skin looking younger. But I say drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won't give a damn how old you look.

   why, hello there gin and tonic....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like........i believe you and liver have met............

   Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music...

   C.R.E.A.M. - Coffee Rules Everything Around Me

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   when I was drunk, you were beautiful

   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   went to Barnes & Noble and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose...

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...

   doesn't have a beer belly. What I have is a fuel tank for a sex machine......

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.