Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ah yes nothing like waking up today sneezing my a$$ off only to look outside to see my clean van covered in a nice yellow layer of plants' sperm.

   ::Phone rings:: Hello Russia... yeah its USA. Hey wanted to know if we could hitch a ride up to the ISS next month on your shuttle..... Oh, ok, yeah, we understand..... Sure, maybe next time. No worries, we'll find another ride. =/

   I'm turning 40 tomorrow. My new pose pics will be the "cougar claw", no more peace signs for me.

   Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.

   so since Obama is president, does that make it an obamanation?

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on, fml!

   GOOD for these men cheating. Maybe their wives should be taking care of bizniz @ home!!!

   Breaking News: Tiger Woods withdraws from the masters after the first hole. At a news conference he claims he dropped out because he's a one hole man now......

   Make sure your car windows are working properly when you decide to let a big one out.

   I don't see why people have to say in thier status they they are getting in the shower. I don't want to picture your bare fat behind in the shower!

   dont get married just find a woman you hate and buy her a house

   I didn't know how talented I was...I can sneeze and piss at the same time... :(

   Wow! That shirt is hideous!!! It really compliments your face.

   Naps are like good songs, they're never long enough.

   SO....we got Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Ben Roethlisberger, John Edwards, Chris Brown, John Mayer, and now Tiki Barber...Anybody else I missed?

   So, Tiger and Jesse cheat and they have a sex addiction and need therapy, but a women has an affair, killes off her husband and she gets to be on Oxegen's SNAPPED!!!

   "They" are just mad because Obama's taking away things they've been getting away for years...excuse me, decades and that's.....GREED.

   I got 99 problems but a mother f**king jay z ticket aint one of them.

   I'm so over hearing about Tiger and Jesse James. I think EVERYONE is just jealous that he was able to have all these women and get away with it for so long. Other sports figures and ploticians do this as well. They just haven't gotten caught yet!

   My wife is in the bathroom yelling "could smebody tell this bathroom scale that april's foolsday was last week" nd am thnkng thts scary!