Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   Just in, Angelina Jolie is gonna adopt another child she just came back from SARAJEVO BOSNIA she got a new son MUJO JOLIE PITT.

   persuade the Canadians to take back Justin Bieber like they have already taken our gold medal.

   You can negotiate with a terrorist, NOT with a red head.

   had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Nancy Pelosi. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire

   Wonders if Old Macdonald has a Farmville addiction...

   wonders at what point in a proctologists life do they decide, 'When I grow up, I want to be sure everyones a$$ho!e is puckered up and functional!"

   went to the sex shop to get a new toy and is now very disappointed. I picked the big red one featured on the wall., and they told me to pick another one. Supposedly, that was their fire extinguisher...and here I thought it was just cleverly named!

   wow i'm so behind on pop culture I just now found out who that little girl on tv is and her name is justin bieber

   says "Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt I ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? Hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff?"

   Did, we REALLY need a Karate Kid remake????

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

   April is Alcohol Awareness Month and being Friday and all.... tonight I will make special plans to investigate alcohol all night long... Now that I have made you aware...I have done my part !

   I don't know about you, but somehow I feel slightly disturbed watching the trailer for the new Karate Kid. Seeing Jackie Chan beat up a bunch of ten years olds somehow makes me feel like I should call somebody or something.

   not in a good mood, but I'll fake it 'til I make it.

   If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

   Talk is Cheap because the supply has always exceeded the demand.

   Thank you lady from the "Help! I've fallen and can't get up!" commercials. Thank you for making me laugh with your comedic genius!

   Telepath wanted...you know where to apply.