Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

   "I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man

   When it comes to getting projects done I'm a real pro..............crastinator

   Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

   Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez isn't hot enough to be that much of an imbeciIe.

   I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.

   CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

   It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

   Seen a women in the supermarket wearing toilet paper on her face instead of a mask and thought to myself Toilet paper - It's not just used on regular asses anymore.

   Hostess Cakes merged with McKee Foods, and now everybody wants a bite of Little Debbie's twinkie.

   If the fine for not wearing a mask is $100 for the first time. Does anyone know where I can get a season pass?

   This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2010" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade

   I'm turning into a geologist. Everyday I find a different rock bottom.

   With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   Confucius say, man who gets high on rock, gets stoned.