Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

   My Alexis doesn't always answer me when I ask you a question, and now I know why it talks like a woman.

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   The press can try to shove all that bIack BS down our throats all they want, but we're not swallowing any of it.

   Name something you would say to a friend in 2020 who would think you were completely crazy if you said it to them in 2019 Copy and paste to see what your friend's say.

   Jessie is a friend. He has a pet squirrel that brings him tacos. You know, I wish I had Jessie's squirrel.

   I don't usually play these games, but I'm bored. Fill in the blanks. Banks account #: Routing #: Name on debit card: Pin number #: CCV #: Expiration date:

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.