Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   saw the best T-shirt EVER today: "Who the hell needs Hooters when you've got BALLS?" Win.

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   They told me to think outside the box....I just learned this did not mean I could leave the box.

   whip it ! whip it real good !

   do kids in china push in there eyes and say "haha I'm American"?

   a man with flaws, a failure at success, no superhero, neither rich nor poor. I am, however a good father and a happy person. that'll do pig. that'll do.

   Don't you hate it when people call or text you at 5 or 6am just to ask you "whats up?"... I mean really? I am now. thank you!!.."

   Alcohol induced dreams make for all sorts of entertainment.

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   there is a great need for sarcasm font.

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   ˜Sort of" shouldn't be used in certain phrases. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

   Women are like newspapers, you should really get your own and stop borrowing your neighbor's.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   Don't Kanye me!!! or I'll Chris Brown yo a$$... and Tiger Woods your mother!

   I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.