Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   England: The country where Pizza gets to your house quicker than the Police

   ..when people write "is ;-)" as their stat message,you tend to think,well,if I was ";-)" would I stop and write a stat update about it? Obviously you're not ";-)" very well.

   Facebook just pulled an Obama and started accepting gay ads.

   "Mona Lisa sucked my kock once" Leonardo Da Vinci

   your destiny

   I think Kayne West sould make an appearance on the Jay Leno Show and be like... "I'll let you get back to your show in a minute I just wanna say Conan O'brien has a much better show"

   #AmyWinehouse Cremated...emergency response team called during cremation the crowd outside heard a huge explosion and started to smell Crack

   Rough day. Truck broke down, went to find help, ended up in a human centipede.

   How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush

   A late Valentines Day card fell onto my door mat this morning. I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from. It was my postman, I saw him down the driveway, only seconds later.

   I figured out why I can't get off this damn computer......I have a farm to Harvest, Fish to feed and a zoo to keep up....FML!

   2 more for today Do you want some Hot Lesbein Sex and by Lez sex I mean Tea but it will still be hot

   not an actor on TV but is one in real life.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to blow the busboy.

   "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."

   I will stop Loving you, when an Apple fruit grows on a mango tree, on the 30th Day of February ♥

   Had a Children's Message at church today. Pastor has a bunch of sports equpment. Asks the kids what each is used for. They all tell what sport they are for. When he hold up a bible my kid raises her hand and says "that's what pastors play with!"

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Hey, Fire can you finish cooking the food before the house?" FIRE: "The one in the Pantry or on the Stove?"

   Do jews celebrate labor day or do they gotta be different like usual

   * To help my bored stay at home friends to past the time, I made a DVD video of his dumbest speeches to watch.