Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why abbreviated is such a long word?

   You're one of those people who pushes when the door says pull aren't you?

   you should never brag on your spouse because as soon as you do, next thing you know they're f-ing a tattooed nazi

   I'm no Proctologist, but I know an a**hole when I see one.

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it, but can't eat it!

   when the roomates away, in my underwear I will stay

   "You want the booth?!? You can't handle the booth!" Jack Nicholson working at Perkins

   Phil mickleson has by far the sloppiest titties of any professional athletes that I have ever seen.

   Tiger Woods ended his week at the Masters with an impressive 69.. His golf was also quite successful.

   Velcro is a ripoff

   Justin Bieber's songs are just about as deep as his voice...

   -- The most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position... The husband sits and begs for it while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   Trust is like a piece of paper,once its crumpled it cant be perfect!

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

   used to have a machete, but times have changed

   just realized life hasn't changed much. 15years ago on Sunday night I was wishing I was grown up and had a job. Today night I'm up wishing I was in school.......

   I see Woods is going after Couples now.

   looks like arnold schwarzenegger...but before he begins taking steroids.

   you can get whatever you want in this life,if you have self confidence,determination...and huge t!ts.