Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

   I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

   My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

   When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

   I’m already an idiot, I just need a village

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   My friends treat me like God. They completely ignore my existence until they need something.

   I tried having a personal relationship with God. But he said he only liked me as a friend.

   Whenever Kids Says Mummy I Love, Just Say Start Talking Because They Need Something

   I miss the 80's. (The temperatures, not the decade.)

   The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   All I attract is hoes, lord if I’m a pimp just say that

   Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

   Erica And Lilo Are Just Like Gnomio And Juliet>:<

   The "Person. Women. Man. Camera. TV." test was more difficult than my law exams.

   The Washington Redskins are temporarily changing their name to the "Washington Football Team", or in other words "WTF".

   Having a degree doesn't mean you're talented, it just means you're educated.

   "Nice mask' Me firting in 2020

   I don't really care which baseball teams stand for the National Anthem inasmuch as I wish they'd make the game a little less boring. The national pastime is past its time.