Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

   Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

   Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.

   If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.

   ejaculate and evacuate

   Joe B. always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   I imagine a two year old having a temper tantrum as being the next statue erected honoring all those brave men and women who refuse to wear a mask.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!

   Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask and you can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.

   Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?

   Here's a freebie Earthlings: treat Covid-19 as you would canine parvovirus.

   2 + 2 = 46,783 -the CDC counting covid19 cases

   They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%