Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

   That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

   My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

   I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   Wayfair is awesome. Not only will I save space with my new Springboro storage cabinet, I'll also qualify for an additional child tax credit next year.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

   Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   My wife's face is all black and blue because she didn't listen to me. The last thing I said was "Honey! Watch out for that lamp post!"

   Joe B¡den looks like he smells like pee.

   I bought a Joe B¡den watch on QVC. I has liver spotted hands and is running out of time.

   If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.

   Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.

   Someone wake up Joe to come see this...

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]