Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're upset with a 200 year old statute and not the 70 murders in the US last weekend, you need to refocus your anger...

   Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.

   Its not that I'm heartless, its that I'm using my heart less.

   If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.

   me: sorry but I just can’t sugarcoat this my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

   Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

   Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

   Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

   Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

   You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger

   Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.

   The proverbial saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' suggests that a complex task or great achievement that shouldn't be rushed and is a great excuse for procrastinating.