Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.

   Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.And your strengths? I'm Batman.

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.