Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
←Rate | 02-13-2010 15:18 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!
←Rate | 05-03-2010 13:24 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
←Rate | 02-25-2010 13:23 by Lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
←Rate | 07-02-2010 03:35 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.
←Rate | 08-23-2010 13:24 by lemonpillow Comments (2)  

   messageicon I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
←Rate | 09-07-2010 13:25 by lemonpillow Comments (3)  

   messageicon Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.
←Rate | 07-03-2010 08:36 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The sole purpose of a child's middle name is to know when they're in big trouble.
←Rate | 02-12-2010 13:22 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".
←Rate | 03-05-2010 16:50 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.
←Rate | 12-21-2010 15:17 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.
←Rate | 02-15-2010 03:49 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.
←Rate | 04-13-2010 15:41 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.
←Rate | 08-29-2010 08:44 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.
←Rate | 01-27-2010 14:11 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn't have any money, either.
←Rate | 01-03-2010 13:31 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.
←Rate | 04-20-2010 03:38 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)
←Rate | 02-02-2011 13:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.
←Rate | 02-11-2011 13:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:35 by lemonpillow Comments (6)  

   messageicon Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.
←Rate | 12-12-2010 12:02 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

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