Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 12:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss
←Rate | 11-19-2017 16:53 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 13:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 10:54 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".
←Rate | 01-13-2018 11:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
←Rate | 01-13-2018 11:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 21:26 Comments (1)  


   messageicon We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
←Rate | 12-09-2017 23:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kim jong nu looks like a korean garden gnome
←Rate | 11-20-2017 18:10 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 18:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.
←Rate | 11-21-2017 13:09 by AkeelyMac Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.
←Rate | 11-20-2017 22:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:43 by MDS Comments (0)  



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