Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 6 of 5572

   messageicon Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
←Rate | 03-23-2017 12:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.
←Rate | 03-31-2017 07:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just to be different, I'm going to cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.
←Rate | 02-14-2012 08:35 by Barney Stinson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 14:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
←Rate | 02-17-2013 13:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:39 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
←Rate | 03-19-2012 13:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 10:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
←Rate | 12-16-2012 22:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
←Rate | 03-26-2016 19:06 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
←Rate | 01-27-2017 13:49 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....
←Rate | 02-14-2017 07:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight
←Rate | 03-28-2017 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
←Rate | 10-03-2015 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
←Rate | 03-20-2010 14:26 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!
←Rate | 03-06-2012 09:45 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 06:26 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
←Rate | 07-15-2010 17:55 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
←Rate | 09-14-2010 15:13 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
←Rate | 06-07-2010 21:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left