Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To gain acceptance among my Hispanic friends, I say Mucho. It means a lot to them...
←Rate | 10-27-2019 18:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't wait to sit in the doctor's office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992.
←Rate | 10-09-2019 15:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
←Rate | 09-27-2019 09:09 by SEAN Comments (1)  

   messageicon So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity.
←Rate | 10-11-2019 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
←Rate | 10-10-2019 11:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 07:29 Comments (0)  

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