Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.

   Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   The closer the collapse of an empire, the crazier it’s laws.

   Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

   When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.

   Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.

   Tried to spoon a tall girl once and felt like a backpack.

   Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.

   Just because it’s a bad idea does not mean it won’t be a good time.

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.

   Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”