Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”