Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed