Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.

   I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?

   Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.