Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.