Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.