Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 14:59 by Chuck Comments (5)  

   messageicon Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
←Rate | 02-06-2017 07:50 by Mikey c Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 16:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
←Rate | 04-08-2017 22:46 by XC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
←Rate | 07-14-2013 03:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 14:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight
←Rate | 03-28-2017 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.
←Rate | 12-23-2016 20:18 by Mo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
←Rate | 03-02-2017 08:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.
←Rate | 12-05-2010 13:33 by AJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
←Rate | 12-30-2011 08:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
←Rate | 04-12-2017 09:01 by djjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
←Rate | 04-25-2017 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
←Rate | 04-28-2017 14:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.
←Rate | 06-19-2017 07:54 Comments (6)  

   messageicon Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️
←Rate | 02-14-2017 15:37 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
←Rate | 03-15-2017 18:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.
←Rate | 03-31-2017 07:30 Comments (0)  

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