Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults