Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.
←Rate | 04-27-2015 22:28 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh Snap..I missed the Oscars again. That makes 35 yrs. in a row now.
←Rate | 02-27-2017 09:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
←Rate | 05-05-2010 12:15 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day
←Rate | 02-13-2012 19:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
←Rate | 01-09-2017 15:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
←Rate | 01-17-2017 09:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 09:31 Comments (4)  

   messageicon Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.
←Rate | 05-09-2016 14:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
←Rate | 02-15-2017 02:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
←Rate | 03-05-2017 18:16 by X Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
←Rate | 03-13-2017 19:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon A funny thing about tolerant people? They're only tolerant when you agree with them.
←Rate | 03-24-2017 07:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........
←Rate | 07-20-2016 09:57 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.
←Rate | 07-01-2012 23:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
←Rate | 12-10-2016 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.
←Rate | 03-01-2017 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!
←Rate | 03-08-2017 12:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 01:51 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? A: Icy dead people.
←Rate | 03-23-2017 14:11 Comments (2)  

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