Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
←Rate | 05-23-2017 21:40 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
←Rate | 07-11-2017 05:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment
←Rate | 03-01-2017 05:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 23:22 Comments (5)  


   messageicon If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.
←Rate | 05-11-2017 05:16 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
←Rate | 03-28-2017 12:23 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
←Rate | 02-06-2017 07:50 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 07:50 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:29 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 14:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
←Rate | 04-25-2017 08:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:42 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:30 by Baddie Comments (3)  


   messageicon I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
←Rate | 06-02-2017 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:59 by Kev Walmsley Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there
←Rate | 10-12-2016 21:13 by Aaron Comments (0)  



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