Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   To gain acceptance among my Hispanic friends, I say Mucho. It means a lot to them...

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   Can't wait to sit in the doctor's office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.

   I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.