Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   Someone living in their grandmother’s basement used to be the butt of the joke. The rental market is so insane that now it’s like, dam, you’ve got a whole basement to yourself, that’s sexy.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid to live on my knees ruled by lesser men who control the destiny of our children.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   Truth is like surgery; it hurts but it heals. A lie is like a painkiller; it gives instant relief but has terrible side effects.

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.