Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.