Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
←Rate | 12-11-2019 15:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
←Rate | 02-18-2020 16:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting
←Rate | 03-03-2020 09:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
←Rate | 03-26-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
←Rate | 04-07-2020 19:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?
←Rate | 04-19-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 16:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?
←Rate | 08-30-2020 19:35 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 13:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
←Rate | 01-24-2019 08:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.
←Rate | 03-19-2020 08:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
←Rate | 08-07-2018 06:43 Comments (0)  

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