Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."
←Rate | 09-28-2011 14:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.
←Rate | 02-07-2012 09:07 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
←Rate | 12-02-2013 06:49 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.
←Rate | 01-20-2016 05:59 by Nipper Comments (3)  

   messageicon To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 06:29 by Stan Brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 09:16 by Aaron Comments (2)  

   messageicon Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
←Rate | 12-24-2012 15:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.
←Rate | 02-03-2010 19:00 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!
←Rate | 05-03-2012 11:44 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
←Rate | 05-25-2012 10:38 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 19:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 10:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
←Rate | 05-19-2014 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon New Years Resolution: Date more models. Revised: Date more. Revised: Get a date. Revised: stop crying while masturbating.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 02:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
←Rate | 02-02-2010 16:28 by Octane Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
←Rate | 01-08-2014 12:57 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:52 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...
←Rate | 03-10-2016 09:19 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.
←Rate | 10-25-2010 09:26 by Aaron Comments (0)  

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