Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.