Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I slapped you, didn't seem like you would stop talking so I panicked.

   To defeat the latest variant, experts recommend doing all the things that didn’t work the first time.

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   Facebook was removed for violating Facebook community standards.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.