Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.