Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

   Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting

   Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

   Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

   I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?