Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.