Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.

   Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.