Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 12:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Elevator music bothers me on many levels
←Rate | 10-18-2017 12:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?
←Rate | 06-18-2018 11:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 17:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.
←Rate | 05-30-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
←Rate | 01-16-2018 00:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
←Rate | 03-03-2018 09:16 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”
←Rate | 12-25-2019 14:31 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 09:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.
←Rate | 08-08-2018 07:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:55 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.
←Rate | 12-03-2017 23:23 Comments (2)  


   messageicon The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
←Rate | 07-29-2017 08:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.
←Rate | 11-12-2018 10:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.
←Rate | 09-18-2018 07:42 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:42 Comments (4)  




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