Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
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I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate. 
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
"I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there