Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.

   Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3

   So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.