Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 6 of 5530

   messageicon I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.
←Rate | 01-02-2011 17:37 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time
←Rate | 10-09-2012 20:06 by TyleG Comments (1)  

   messageicon can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??
←Rate | 04-10-2013 09:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...
←Rate | 01-14-2017 08:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
←Rate | 03-22-2012 13:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
←Rate | 03-07-2012 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.
←Rate | 01-13-2012 11:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad
←Rate | 04-20-2011 05:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My grocery store is trying to be more eco-friendly by lowering the amount of plastic bags used. Great, but perhaps we can start by not giving me a foot-long receipt every time of buy a bag of Doritos.
←Rate | 08-21-2010 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.
←Rate | 12-03-2010 09:57 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
←Rate | 06-26-2014 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
←Rate | 05-02-2012 07:36 by Pong Lenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
←Rate | 04-05-2012 12:29 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.
←Rate | 02-20-2016 18:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
←Rate | 01-07-2010 15:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."
←Rate | 04-15-2010 02:00 by wfbphoto Comments (0)  

   messageicon SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The amount of Alcohol consumed can directly increase the amount of facebook activity.
←Rate | 04-15-2010 17:02 by Tracy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
←Rate | 01-22-2016 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.
←Rate | 10-19-2012 06:08 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left