Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?
←Rate | 02-27-2020 03:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.
←Rate | 02-27-2020 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3
←Rate | 03-11-2020 20:46 by MarkM Comments (0)  

   messageicon So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now
←Rate | 03-20-2020 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.
←Rate | 03-27-2020 10:43 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
←Rate | 01-24-2019 08:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.
←Rate | 11-15-2018 18:02 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
←Rate | 12-02-2018 12:24 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 12:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.
←Rate | 02-22-2019 13:14 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
←Rate | 08-11-2019 10:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
←Rate | 09-17-2019 08:05 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.
←Rate | 03-03-2020 18:06 by Stinkerbelle Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:31 by @thecatwhisperer Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
←Rate | 05-24-2018 02:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 23:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 11:52 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

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