Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   Remix to conviction.. hot and ready for prison..R. Kelly

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.