Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.

   Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

   Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.