Funny Status Messages

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   Deep thoughts by Johnny Quarantine. Minnesota votes to disband police department and go with a community-based public safety program. I’m assuming this community-based public safety program will be comprised of police officers who recently lost their jo

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.

   Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

   I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

   Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

   I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

   Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I asked the waitress if I could ask her a question about the menu, please. She said the men I please is none of your business.

   Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting