Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.

   new years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

   Dear Facebook, we asked for a 'dislike' button, not a confusing profile layout, or a smaller font size! Sincerely, Facebook User

   You think the glass is half empty. I just appreciate that I have some beer left in it.

   I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was "The Twilight Zone" and not "The Nightly News."

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant

   "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking me if I have a pulse.