Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..

   at work, online researching how to be more productive at work

   Happy Earth Day!! Time to plant all the greens burned 2 days ago.....

   wishing everyone a "Happy Earth Day", and is reminding you to keep our planet clean, it's not Uranis..

   Earth Day - Keeping Earth cleaning than Uranus...

   and XX are now friends via the 'People You May Know Who Are a Tool' tool.

   Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

   I'd love to be a lifeguard at the gene pool. I'd let a few of them drown.

   came to work naked today because, yesterday my boss yelled: "I wanna see your a$$ in here by 8:00!"

   The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.

   Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   decided to try the P90X workout with a co-worker and realized just a few minutes into it that it was going to kill me, Damn I'm getting old

   Remember, every girl you meet online is actually a guy in real life, and every kid is an undercover FBI agent.

   If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.

   Dear iPhone, I'm pretty sure I meant to spell "b*tches" not "chubies"

   ofcourse I love women and have an undying respect fo 'em. , .they rate way up on my priority list . . right after measles,chicken pox and broken legs

   Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken

   It make me happy when I can teach my phone dirty words. T9 b!tch.