Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

   Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   Top 5 Zones 5 – Twilight 4 – O 3 – End 2 – In the 1- Cal

   When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

   My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

   I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

   If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things 1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing 2. Always put on clean underwear before going out 3. Never snort black pepper 4. Always be kind

   I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

   I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

   Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

   Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

   I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

   Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

   If someone can explain to me how stealing and destroying is a panacea for easing racial tensions, I'm all ears.

   The same people who were making tiktok videos when quarantine started are the ones rioting now