Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   of course I would never call you a c*nt.....you lack the depth and warmth.

   wondering why people say "Bring it!" in a fight. Bring what?

   Funniest thing I heard at lunch break today. The guy beside me says "Huh" I asked "What's up?" Pointing to the lid of his sugar-free apple sauce he says, "Sweetend with Splenda...that would explain the anal leakage."

   Vodka..helping ugly girls get laid since since the 1700's

   Instead of saying that someone is retarded or stupid, I am going to try and take the more sensitive path, and ask them if they were made in China.

   sometimes I want to go outside n scream n come back inside like nothing happen

   Sometimes its ok to lie, these are referred to as little white lies. Or at least its better than telling ur girl about that one night you went to the strip club and.....

   It's better to have loved and lost.........than to have stayed with the witch.

   What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.

   On FB I took "How Many Sexual Partners You Have in 2009/2010" quiz. Result:"None, because your lame a*s spends too much time taking douchey a*s surveys on Facebook when you should probably be at the bar looking for women who leave their drinks unattended

   Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.

   Do you remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the window, you put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'

   i was having lunch with a chess champion the other day.I knew he was a champion coz it took him 20 mins to just pass the salt.

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.

   How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   facebook is having its epic fail at this very moment!

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   I have a six pack which I wanna show off at the beach this summer it was too blady long in the fridge.