Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

   If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

   I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

   The man should always walk next to the curb with the woman walking next to the building. That way, if someone shoves a piano out of a 6th story window, she's the one who gets it.

   My laundry detergent was swept out to sea by a fast moving current. R.I.P. Tide

   I see Netflix is already making documentaries about the Coronavirus. Like jeez thanks Netflix just what I want to watch!

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   Pro Tip: Add some chicken bones and bay leaves to canned soup and everyone will think you made it.

   The 11th Commandment:...Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor

   The law doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .

   I really hope the post office finds my $200 package from eBay & that someone didn’t actually steal it off my porch.

   With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!

   Hey I got a novel idea, if it takes 14 days Coronavirus to start showing symptoms how about we all stay at home for 14 days!

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger

   If a fart can go through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you from Covid? Asking for a friend...

   If you are throwing a football, a baseball or kicking a soccer ball in a park, you need to be more than six feet apart. If you aren't, you're in big trouble because you really suck at your sport.

   Canada doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .

   If you take the 'I' out of 'Illness' and replace it with 'We', then you get 'Wellness'

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't it really about time you IRS guys audited my return?"