Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just wanna take a vacation and get nastier than a black jelly bean

   Went looking for milk but all they had was nut milk no one seemed to want, which makes me wonder if calling it nut milk had anything to do with that?

   You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they'd be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill, with a thank you note.

   I like seeing people with no mask or gloves on. Just raw doggin' life

   Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?

   A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is. I said it's between Dayton and Marion.

   Casinos are offering curbside pickup. just call ahead and they'll come out to your car and take your money

   I asked my North Korean friend how it was there and he said "I can't complain"

   Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

   I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?

   I miss the old everybody. Ain't nobody the same no more.

   Have a toke, it's not peer pressure, it's just your turn man

   Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.

   I can't believe it's already 5 o clock and almost time to get moving from the couch to the refrigerator.

   I need this find a stay-at-home job. Hey Facebook you hiring?

   3 addictions I have while quarantined 1) restaurants 2) nonessential businesses 3)touching my face

   Calling occupents of interplannetary craft ..

   What do you do if you are an atheist and your stuck behind a car that has a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumber sticker?